So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
