haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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