dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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