I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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