we're chasing vodka with high fives
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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