I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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