How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize