I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
