Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
