can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
