I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
