i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
