He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Small penises have feelings too.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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