proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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