Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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