Yo dont text me then not text me
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
