I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
