I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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