Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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