dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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