I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
