you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
