Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
