you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
