So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
