One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
