i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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