Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
