I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
