Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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