Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
