Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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