life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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