Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
