he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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