Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
