Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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