my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
