I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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