apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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