God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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