I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
