I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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