It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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