We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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