he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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