ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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