you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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