I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
