Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
