8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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