Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
