Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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