This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
