fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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