In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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