Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
