my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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