I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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