Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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