Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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