My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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